If I Were President

In conjunction with today's election, which in my humble opinion nothing more or less than a choice between Dumb and Dumber, I have decided to release my own presidential platform. It's probably too late for this year, but in case anyone wants to nominate me for 2012, here it is. (I have a feeling whoever is lucky enough to get the job this year isn't going to be so popular in four years. We have some tough times ahead, I'm afraid.)

In order of importance, my stands on the issues:

1. Healthcare. Do you know how I set my prices? Do I go through the process that everybody else does, and set my prices just a little bit lower than the guy down the street? No. I simply find out what all the payers (read: insurance companies) will pay for my various services, and I make sure to set my prices a little higher than that. That's what we all do in this business. Does that make you angry? When it does, you'll know the solution to the "healthcare crisis."

I would fix the healthcare system by making one simple but sweeping change. When you see the doctor, or have surgery, or get an MRI, (or fill your Zoloft prescription), you pay the bill, period. If you have health insurance, or government assistance, you are then free to seek reimbursement from your insurer, for whatever portion of your bill they will pay. This would, quite simply, direct the accountability of each involved party back where it belongs.

When I'm President, the "third-party-payment-system" will be a thing of the past. Of course this issue is more complex than that; there are many complex and valid arguments on each side. (I'll further clarify my plan through national media outlets once I get the nomination.)

2. The Economy. No government bailouts, ever. Risk is the price of admission for participating in the great gamble known as capitalism. If you lose your shorts on some sort of investment, including your home, that's sad. I feel bad. But, it is your problem. Suck it up, and go at it again, that much wiser. If this policy sends the country into the next Great Depression (which it won't), so be it. We gotta learn somehow.

Our commitment to capitalism and free enterprise is the only significant economic advantage we have over competing nations. Give it up, and we're another France in 50 years, or less.

Somewhere along the line, too many of us have come to see the government as some kind of a wet nurse. That will stop under my administration, so help me.

3. Foreign Policy. Any country that gets one cent of aid will comply with each diplomatic condition, fully and without question, or the aid is stopped, immediately. As for the rest of diplomacy, there will be a visual aid sitting on my desk in the oval office: picture a bronzed baseball bat and a carrot, crossed over each other in the shape of an 'X' with a large caption underneath in 25 languages that says, over and over again: "What'll it be, pal?" Behind it will be a large, full color photo of Clint Eastwood (before he became a liberal and got facial leprosy). This will be prominently displayed at all diplomatic events, and will have its own seat on Air Force One when I travel abroad.

America is the only remaining superpower for a reason. It's time we remembered that. We will maintain the world's strongest, most destructive, intimidating, overwhelming, fearful (and most compassionate and restrained) military. Spare no expense.

3. Iraq, the Middle East, ism. As far as Iraq is concerned, each of those cheeky Arab leaders will regularly, publicly express unconditional gratitude for their recent liberation and beg us to stay and help them become civilized, or we pull out everybody and everything, tomorrow, and let them tear each other limb from limb in the streets like the barbarians they are. No skin off our nose. The day after I take office, they will begin to pay back all the money we spent in the process. No checks, please. We'll take it in the form of crude oil, face value.

Under my administration, we will simply starve these dysfunctional cultures back to the Dark Ages where they belong. Much more difficult to organize and motivate Jihadists when there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. See "Energy" below.

4. Immigration. The borders will be closed. Trespassers shot on sight, survivors deported. Come in legally, we'll help you find work if we can. Come in illegally, ton of bricks when you get caught. Commit a crime as an illegal, rot in the cellar of a jail until the rats pick their teeth with your bones. You've got no rights as an American if you are not one.

5. Energy. We will finally suck it up, quit spending tax dollars on stupid, inappropriate entitlement programs that don't work, and invest heavily, massively, in infrastructure. We will raise taxes across the board to do so, if necessary (the only reason, outside of any necessary war chest, that I would ever raise taxes).

I will begin immediately to build nuclear power plants, lots of them. The country's electrical grid will be modernized and upgraded. That we haven't already done so is an absolute indictment of the intelligence of present and past leaders. Yesterday's infrastructure won't fuel tomorrow's economy. I think that's going on my signs).

We will create extremely attractive incentives for invention and refinement of alternative sources of energy, particularly those in the transportation sector, and particularly those that are cleaner. The money for this will come partly from economic expenditures, partly from military, and partly from the Department of the Interior, since this issue is critically important for all three. We will ask environmentalist whackos to put their money where their mouth is and support this initiative, instead of simply standing in the way of progress as they do now.

I will impose massive tarriffs on all imported oil, and massiver ones on imported oil from unfriendly nations. There will be no "oil for food" or similar programs. We will make no apologies for our strategy: cut off the supply of money to ist states and the cultures and peoples who sponsor them.


There you have it, my Presidential Platform. Now go out there and vote!!